


Five Times Someone Sirius Loved Did Something He Hated

by shaggydogstail



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 5 Things, Gen, Humour, M/M, MWPP, Some sad parts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-10-13 23:53:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10524549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shaggydogstail/pseuds/shaggydogstail
Summary: Sirius Black's take on a "5 times a character I loved did something I hated" meme.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by magnetic_pole's fic [Five Times a Character I Love Did Something I Didn’t Like [by Peter Pettigrew]](http://magnetic-pole.livejournal.com/15117.html?style=mine%22)

**1\. Harry Potter** : I'm not much of a one for kids, but you were a damn fine sprog, most of the time. However, let's talk a bit about bodily functions, shall we? I know that babies make a mess and all that, and I'm a reasonable bloke, I can make allowances. I didn't complain that you puked up all over me the first time I held you--well, not as much as I'd've been entitled to, seeing as how you managed to get some of it in my _hair_. I even laughed when you pissed in my face when I changed your nappy--not as much as your mother did, I'll grant you, but it only took a few firewhiskys for me to see the funny side. And yes, I know, I know, it wasn't exactly your fault that you had explosive diarrhoea, the likes of which even a nappy secured with more protective charms than Gringotts vaults can't contain. Still, did you _have_ to evacuate your bowels all over my favourite Hobgoblins t-shirt? Not even just _any_ Hobgoblins t-shirt, mind you, but a limited edition special shirt from their last ever tour, just before the singing career of the great Stubby Boardman was cut short by the turnip tragedy of 1980. Lucky for you that you were so fucking cute, cos I'd have hexed anyone else into next week, you little shitting bastard.

**2\. Regulus Black** : Shut up, you git, you know I love you.

Look, remember when you were ten and Bellatrix hexed you so that all your bits went all green and itchy? And how you didn't want to tell me about it because you thought I'd laugh at you? Well, all right, maybe I did laugh a bit, but I also bribed the house-elves to get you some cream for it and not tell mum _and_ I taught you a number of excellent hexes so you could get her back.

Point is, Reg, you should have come to me. I'd have helped you. I _would_.

Oh, and sign your damn name, you enigmatic bastard. My godson's an idiot. Can't even control his bowel functions, you know.

**3\. Peter Pettigrew** : I could devote entire essays to why I hate you, Wormtail, but let's keep it brief shall we? I'm sure you've worked out some sort of snivelling excuse for why you framed me, maybe you've even convinced yourself that I deserved it. I probably did, but only because I was stupid enough to trust you. I might not be the best model of friendship that ever existed--Moony always did say I could be a bit of an insensitive git sometimes and he's probably got a point. But I meant it when I said I'd die before I betrayed you and you know that: you knew it and you betrayed me anyway. But that's not why I hate you.

It's not even because you sold Lily and James to Voldemort, although Merlin knows that's reason enough and, yes, I'd have killed you for it and I wouldn't have felt the least bit sorry. They trusted you with their lives, Peter, do you have any idea how much of a fucking _honour_ that is? I suppose not, because you threw it all away for whatever ill-deserved glory it was you expected Voldemort to give you.

But it's not even what you did to them that makes me hate you the most. You betrayed _Harry_. He was just a baby the first time you sent Voldemort after him, he was still in fucking _nappies_. What kind of a sick fuck wants to murder a baby anyway? But even that's not the worst of it. He spared your life, let you live when he had more reason than anyone to want to see you dead. I'll never really understand why--he said it's what James would have wanted, and maybe he's right--Merlin knows they're both better people than I could ever hope to be. He allowed you to continue your pitiful existence on this earth, and how do you repay him? Do you face up to your crimes and accept your punishment like any sort of a man? No. You couldn't even be satisfied with scurrying away into the sewers to serve out the remainder of your sorry existence with the rest of the vermin. You went crawling back to Voldemort and you helped him go after Harry _again_. What's your excuse this time, Wormtail? What "weapons you can't imagine" did he employ when he didn't even have a fucking _body_ until you revived him? How did he torture you when he was hiding out on the other side of the continent without a wand?

I'm good at hating people, you know that. World class hater, me. I come from a long line of malicious, vindictive bastards and I've notched up more mortal enemies than some folk have had hot dinners--my parents, Snivellus, Voldemort, that bitch Bellatrix--but you, Wormtail, you take the fucking biscuit. I can honestly say I hate you more than the rest of them put together. Congratulations, have a coconut.

You'll get yours.

**4\. Remus Lupin** : Oh, don't look so worried, Moony, it's not that bad.

Right, here's the thing: you know you're shit at potions. Hell, _I_ know you're shit at potions, so how you ever talked me into it is a mystery to me. I suspect some underhand form of sexual manipulation was employed.

Pay attention, my darling wolf-boy, because I'm only going to say this the once: home-made flavoured lube is _not_ a good idea. Nor does it afford ample opportunities for new and exciting bedroom activities, marathon sex sessions, early-morning blow-jobs and rimming without the need to shower first, or whatever other bollocks it was you came up with to convince me.

The itching I could have coped with. The rash turned out not to be fatal after all. The week spent limping was a bit embarrassing, but I think most people bought my story about my wand going off in my back pocket or they did after Moody'd finished with them. But I can honestly say that my mouth has never tasted worse in my entire life, and I'm counting twelve long, toothbrushless years in Azkaban in that.

Sex and experimental potions do not mix, my beloved Moonshine, and don't you forget it.

**5\. James Potter** : Fuck, Prongs, why'd you have to listen to me? You know I'm an idiot.

I'm sorry.


End file.
